Sorry

I just can't blog lately and I am sorry for that. I do not know what the right words are right now. I am mourning the loss of a beutiful little butterfly, Bella. Her parents are doing a much better job than I am myself.

How is that even possible?

Well, I think they are in a much better place with their faith than I am.

Since Jackson was born I have been questioning my faith and my beliefs. I have been so damn angry and I hate myself for it. I know He has a plan for all of us but quite frankly I do not like this plan. I know it is not my place to dis-like any plan He has for us but dang it why? Why do all these little babies have to suffer? I understand the sin of the world and mankind having to pay, blah blah blah, but why? Why little babies? It just makes me so sad. As I type this I have tears streaming down my face. It is an occurrence that happens a lot more than I would like. I love my son and I am so very thankful that God has blessed my family with these amazing little children. I think God every day for my children. Sometimes I even ask him to give me some understanding. Someone told me the other day that it is not for me to understand. Ergh. I KNOW that BUT I WANT to, dang it.

Jackson is doing so well and everyday I just hug him a little tighter. After "attending" Bella's memorial service yesterday I realized I really need to get right with myself and my faith. The way that Tim, Ang and Ali understand God's plan for Bella is the way I want to understand God's plan for Jackson. Please say a little prayer for me because I have a lot of soul searching to do!

Blogging may be few and far between for a while but I promise I will try.
I hope to post Jackson's 5 month pictures soon. That's right, 5 MONTHS!!!! He is such a big boy!